Agony aunt

Life can seem complicated sometimes, Do you have an issue that you cannot cope with?, Need advise on friends and family, Trouble at work, anything at all, then write to Agony aunt . Don’t let it get out of control, don’t keep it bottled up.  Get it off your chest. Fatu will give you non-judgmental honest advice on how we think you should handle your problem,. We do not need to know who you are, if you choose to remain Anonymous.
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Dear Fatou
Depressed   and Disappointed
I am a 24 year old single Gambian girl living in the United States. I have been here since I was 17. I do not really have any close family here. A year ago I lost my job, but worst of all I could not find a new job for a while. I lost my apartment and after sleeping in my car for 2 days,

I finally had the courage to call up a married couple I knew for help. They let me stay there whilst I continued to search for a job. After a month though I started to feel unwelcome, they started making comments around the house that were directed at me. Finally after a few weeks, they told me their Mother was coming and I needed to leave that weekend. They only gave me 3 days.

I moved out, and ended up staying at someone I thought was a Gambian brother’s House. It was awful, He started trying to get me to have sex with him, I was scared and disappointed.   I finally found a job, but during this process, I went through a deep depression period.  I lost 30lbs, And was down to 110 lbs Did not want to eat, slept too much, cried a lot and so many other thoughts came into my head that I am ashamed to share. I felt so scared and by myself.

One day, I had severe chest pains and could not breathe, I was rushed to the hospital, there, the doctor said I was just having panic attacks and asked if something was bothering me, I broke down in tears. The doctor suspected I was suffering from depression, and referred me to a psychiatrist if I wanted to. I was found to be suffering from depression. This is when Seroquel was prescribed.
I feel much better now. I have a job that I like and I finally have my own apartment again and back on my feet.

What hurts though, is how I got treated by own people. First a family of Gambia friends I trusted, then my own Gambian Brother. Also right after that I made a new friend, I told her about my ordeal, and trusted her enough to tell her I was on Meds.  She seemed understanding and not bothered by it.  But recently my Cousin in England called me and asked me what I was thinking taking “Crazy people’s pills?” I was shocked she knew about this, as only one person in this world knew about me being on meds. Even my own family did not know.  And then I finally discovered the whole Gambian community knew about this and were basically calling me crazy. Even to the point of exaggerating that I did some crazy things and was locked up in a mental hospital.  This Is bringing back my sad feelings. Living in the U S A, I think these are people I should trust. I am even considering not taking any more medication.

Fatou I see your postings on Face book and I know you are very open minded and I thought I should share my story with you and ask for your advice

Thank you
S.N

My Dear S.N
Thanks for writing to me and sharing.  Now I am not sure if you were diagnosed with CLINICAL DEPRESSION or just DEPRESSION.  Clinical depression requires you to take your medication daily, and you cannot miss a day, only then will you be better.  So do not stop taking those meds if that was the diagnosis.  You will get better.

It is a pity that some of our people can be very ignorant, especially about Mental Health Issues. We need to educate ourselves more. Utilize Google people! We have no excuse to be so ignorant these days. Instead of helping make people better, you worsen it by hurting the person with your cruel words. Ok so I once knew a Gambian guy who was ADHD. I know quite a few other people (Gambians too), who also suffer from depression.  Someone very close to me has depression too; They take their meds in the privacy of their homes, and mingle with you and me every day. They are highly educated, work good jobs, and they are no different from you and me.  So this topic is very close to my heart.

Depression can affect anyone. Divorce, the death of a loved one, job loss, gossip and loneliness, are some of the traumatic events and experiences that can cause depression. A lot of us are depressed but never seek help. Instead we keep it bottled up to ourselves. Some of us may not even know we are depressed.  So ,S. N, I  commend you  for  recognizing that you needed support and help and you  sought it, by  first going to other Gambians, and when that did not work out, you got help from a doctor.

People need   to learn to be, patient, understanding and tolerant. Stand for something good and positive, instead of running off making negative remarks and wicked gossip about someone else, or as in your case, making you feel like your depression means that you are crazy enough to be in a Mental Asylum or in a straight jacket.

We need to be more open minded. We should realize that we need to respond with love, kindness, and support to someone going through depression. With that support, most times a person’s sadness will pass and they will get out of the depression that they are experiencing, make a full recovery, without the need to see a psychiatrist, take any medication or attend any counselling. What people going through depression need most is the support and understanding of other people they come into contact with, friends, family, work colleagues. So, give them support, instead of discouraging them from going to seek professional help, with comments such as; “don’t go to a psychiatrist, they will give you their “Garabi doffyee” (crazy people meds) and then you will be really crazy.” These are uninformed comments which will only shows that we are not well informed about depression.

The Fact is as Gambians, how our Societies see and understand mental health issues, when compared with the scientific knowledge that is out there, looks and sounds very outdated. And that is because most of us do not understand depression. Perhaps someone very close to you has never lived through depression. In our communities, most people who experience depression are dismissed as being silly or over dramatic. We associate going to a psychiatrist and taking pills like seroquel, or Zoloft as a sign of craziness.  People begin to avoid you, they even ostracize you completely. I remember growing up back home and seeing people tease and taunt people suffering with mental health issues. They would even throw stones at them, mock them and treat them inhumanely and disrespectfully. What most people do not know is that depression is a medical condition like any other that can be successfully treated, just like someone would be treated for diabetes, sickle cell, heartburn etc and With treatment, you can get better and feel better.

The truth is, being a young Single African Woman, living in the western world, away from your family, who continue to depend on you to provide for and support them, is tough.  Meanwhile you also have to pay bills, buy food, car payments etc, and then losing your job? Believe me, I have been through that, and it can really be stressful.
S.N, Do not have high expectations from anyone but yourself. People can and will disappoint and betray you sometimes.  Many people say they will help you and sure they will for a while and then they get tired of you and want you out without warning.  Meanwhile they get to know your business and share it. The truth is, what these people did was mean, selfish, dangerous and very ungodly, But you know what? it is their house and they have a right to do that.  Always have a plan B. And if someone comes along who you want to make friends with, assess them and make sure they are genuine and dependable before you let them into your life. Continue to take your meds, surround yourself with positive people, and be responsible for you, this way, you will be happy, and you will prosper,

Finally my dear, Get rid of your new best friend, she is not loyal or true to you. Nip it in the Bud. Surround yourself with positive people. There are many people out there who care. I am glad you have a job now, as well as your own home. Do not let ignorant, foolish people bring you down. Karma will get them, one way or another.
And when you are feeling depressed again, see a counsellor. And if religion and spirituality is something you practice as well, then talking to a religious leader may be helpful too

We all have our issues, I have mine too, I am not a professional in this matter but serve as a life coach.  But if we lend each other a hand and support one another, things will be so much better for our communities.. I hope my response to you was helpful S.N.

Best wishes and Hugs
Fatou

Here are some questions to ask yourself, to find out if you or your loved one or friend might be depressed:
Are they Agitated and restless all the time? Are they easily irritated, or start arguments? Do they feel like everyone is against them, or worry that everyone’s talking about them, feelings of worthlessness, self hate, and inappropriate guilt? Withdrawal, isolation from family, and friends. Are they no longer interested in things they used to enjoy? Are they uninterested in sex compared to before? Do they either sleep excessively, or have trouble sleeping. Have the lost their appetite, or eat excessively. Dramatic Weight gain/weight loss? Are they always tired? Do they complain about stomach aches all the time? Do they have feelings of hopelessness and helplessness?  Do they think about suicide, wish they were never born?
If the answer is yes to 4 or more of these, You may be depressed and need to talk to someone immediately.

Know the signs and get help!